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What would Jesus say about sexless marriages?

Posted by truthtalklive on January 16, 2008

Todays guest host is Allen Hunt www.allenhuntshow.com

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68 Responses to “What would Jesus say about sexless marriages?”

  1. Why be married when the point here is to become one flesh there-by pro-create.

    Why call it ‘marriage’ when that isn’t what that is?

    It would be like having sex outside of marriage…

    Sex is a part of Marriage as Marriage is part of Sex.

    Seems like a waste of time unless there is a good reason why a person cannot perform their sacred duty to their mate… Like injury, sickness and/or disease, etc.

  2. lady anonymous said

    My husband and I have been married almost fifteen years and the last ten have been virtually sexless, by HIS choice. (I’d estimate frequency is once every two months or so) We’ve been in Christian marriage counseling and bottom line is, he just doesn’t think it’s that much of an issue. This is emotionally/spiritually very difficult for a wife and I think there are many other women out there who suffer in silence because it goes against the stereotype.

    I am committed to our marriage and I take the vows I took before God very seriously. While it is a painful situation to be in, God’s grace is sufficient.

  3. Angel Gardner said

    I am part of a sexless marriage and feel that some people’s drive for sex are different. My husband suffers from some health problems causing him great pain to have sex. He has offered to take Viagra to help me in my time of needs, but I feel his health and our long term realationship is more inportant than a once in a while pleasure. When speaking of this, I am talking about some of the side effects he has encountered in the past from taking these pills. We have faced the scare of prostrate cancer and I have decided I would rather have my husband around with or without sex than not at all. I am 36 years old and he is 52, I still have an attraction to him as he does me, but I can not comfortably expect him to perform an act for my pleasure knowing it is a great physical pain on him.
    We are a very close couple in the fact that we talk about everything in our marriage. Including the sexless part and the concerns of our age difference, He sometimes gets a concern that I have needs that are stronger than his because of my age. I personally do not strive for sex as I once did. I do not complain about it either as I once did. I feel it is because I have a strong relationship with my husband.

  4. Angel Gardner said

    I feel The Lord would agree with my situation as he knows my love is true towards my husband as his is to me. Just because we can’t have sex doesn’t mean we aren’t married. I believe the Lord gave me my man knowing that I could be the best wife for him. We are soul mates and the sex connection does not have to be an issue in our relationship.

  5. lady anonymous,

    if I were your marriage counselor, I’d take your husband outside, all the while reminding him of vows you both made, and kick him in his testimonials.

    “…he just doesn’t think it’s that much of an issue…”

    Wow.. Do you really matter to him? Is he in a depression?

    “This is emotionally/spiritually very difficult for a wife…”

    Obviously he is not fulfilling the Marriage obligations. In the Middle East (Traditionally) the Women wear a veil not as a sign of a ‘lesser’ but of honor and respect. Most Americans think that woman are mistreated in the Middle East… I think what you would find among Semitic women is a statement much like yours…

    “I am committed to our marriage and I take the vows I took before God very seriously. While it is a painful situation to be in, God’s(Allah’s) grace is sufficient.”

    But the advantage these women have in a marriage over American women is leverage.

    While I am not your Marriage counselor, but my advice to you is, you should check yourself at the door…

    Middle Eastern Marriage grants women leverage in this matter. When they exchange vows, they personalize some vows that they expect from one another. for example he says, “I will provide you with home but you must always scratch my back at night before we go to sleep.” And the Wife responds, “You must make sure I have my Peruvian Organic Coffee (Specific Brand) and I will make you dinner every night.”

    As silly as this sounds, it is very effective when issues such as yours arise in a Marriage. If the Husband does not provide her specific brand of coffee she desires then it is grounds for a divorce.

    Normally, they do not threaten this, but in extreme cases I know about, it is has become the leverage for the wife, to get what she needs and wants from the Marriage.

    Your husband needs wake up call… I am not saying you should threaten the marriage because you probably did not agree to these terms when you were married but do not think for one moment that God sanctioned a union between the both of you while condoning any slack.

    Married or not… You are not a convenience or a doormat… Do not let your person be treated this way. And surely do not allow you husband to slack off his responsibility to as his wife.

    Do you think God sits on his throne looking down on couples in your situation and expects you accept what you going through as a good little house wife.

    What I am afraid of is you in ability to love him in the future as you grow older and years pass on by… Do you think you are supposed to accept being Miserable in you Marriage?

    By his lack of concern in the situation how are supposed to be the one ‘Suffering in silence’?

    Because, if so, how do you treat you house guest and can I move in, oh and I like to drink beer so pick up some Guinness!?!

    Jesus Woman, pack you bags and present him with the possibility that you might not be there anymore and let him sleep alone for awhile… He has obligations to you and disinterest is not an excuse.

    The only result if you allow yourself to be walked when your 55 is numbness… Bitterness and Resentment.

    Wait for him to beg you to come back and then after a time, show up unexpectedly wearing something sexy.

  6. Joe said

    Oh great. Marriage advise from a guy who thinks the Apostle Paul is the devil and that the Crucifixion and Resurrection never happened. Thomas – don’t you think you’ve spouted enough evil on this blog?

  7. jAsOn said

    I ditto Joe, Lady, I’m afraid that Thomas is the very last person from whom you want to take any advise…least of all about sex and marriage. Even if he happens to say something right about the issue, it is due to the common grace of God in spite of his blasphamy towards Christ (which he has displayed quite readily on other threads, besides, there are many saved persons from whom you can seek Godly councel.

    Haveing said that, you husband is WRONG to depive you (and himself consequently) of the joys of sex in mariage. This is nonetheless, no reason to divorce, but you both need to be in a good gospel preaching church under the wings of an elder or pastor who is equiped to help you…you may be in such a church. Just make sure that even your annonymos discussion of this topic is not behind your husband’s back, so it doesn’t offend him.
    Whatever you do, do not take revenge as Thomas The Fool would advise!

  8. the Paulinian said

    Hey,

    Thomas does have some quirks but his comment was, shall I say, comical :)

    That being said:

    The marriage bed is honerable and undefiled. Unless it is for health reasons…(hold on Thomas)…the Holy Spirit, through Paul gives instructions as to when a husband and wife can abstain from sexual intercourse. He never once said “well, if you don’t feel like it…”

    Also, two(man & woman) becoming one(marriage) is more than procreation. It is truly 2 people becoming one. My father-in-law passed away today. My mother-in-law is left to grieve. They were married for 50+ years. She said it was like having half of her body taken away. Now, that is 2 becoming 1.

    If you can live without sexual temptation – then, like Paul, be celebate and give your life completely to Christ. Paul said that was better anyway. Otherwise “it is better to marry than to burn” Old KJV :)

    – the Paulinian :)

  9. Jason,

    “Whatever you do, do not take revenge as Thomas The Fool would advise!”

    Revenge… No body said anything about taking revenge…

    Man… are you in relationship right now?

    You know, a little friction in right way, can cure complacency.

    Psychology of the Mind…

    Fight a little, argue a little then comes the passionate make-up sex.

    No matter how good the bartender is at making drinks sometimes you have to stir the drink up again… Anybody who likes a good Bloody Mary knows that.

  10. Oh Joe, say it ain’t so…

    I want to formally apologize to the woman who posted on this thread for delving into these matters as it surely wasn’t my intention to exploit here.

    “Oh great. Marriage advise from a guy who thinks the Apostle Paul is the devil and that the Crucifixion and Resurrection never happened.”

    Well, I wouldn’t credit Paul with such a great spotlight… Devil… No Paul ain’t the devil son. And correction, I do believe the Crucifixion and Resurrection happened.

    Paul slaughtered over six thousand Jews, Essenes and Egyptians at Qumran… In one day.

    (Look I have posted my beliefs in this regard)

    “The Gospel = Death, Burial and Resurrection. Tell me what comes first? Death? burial? or Resurrection?

    What is the Resurrection?

    For the answer on must only look to the Gospel itself… It’s not so much the answer not as much as it is the right question.

    Again, what comes first? Death, Burial or Resurrection?

    (Mat 20:16- “So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.”)

    Work with in the fundamental concept and reverse the words; Resurrection, burial and Death.

    Lets ask another question…

    When is Resurrection?”

    When the Holy Spirit descended upon Jesus that is the Resurrection.

    Resurrection in my belief means Reincarnation.

    And Jesus was crucified but on the average a man even beaten badly would last seven to eight days before they died.

    Jesus was taken down the same day… Not to mention the reed that Joseph of Rama Theo dabbed on the lips of Jesus, a reed soaked with sour wine. Which Alchemically is a description of a common medical practice of the day, much a kin the use of anesthesia today.

    A reed would be split in two and a natural sponge would cut into a piece to fit and placed inside the reed. snake venom (most common viper venom) was then soaked into the reed. If applied correctly by dabbing the patient’s (In this case Jesus) lips there-by inducing a Coma-state.

    Hence, the reason that when the Centurion speared the side of Jesus, Blood and Water came out… According to modern science and medicine this is a sign of Life and not Death.

    Then purgatives would be administered (Most common purgative is Aloe) to the Patient (Jesus) of which on the average took about three days for the effects to wear off enough for the patient (Jesus) to awaken.

    “Thomas – don’t you think you’ve spouted enough evil on this blog?”

    Dude, you obviously do not know what evil is… Run along little boy.

  11. jAsOn said

    Thomas,

    You are free to believe what you like about resurrection and reincanation, but you are not free to call it biblical or Christian without being called to the carpet on it.

    You said, “Jesus Woman, pack you bags and present him with the possibility that you might not be there anymore and let him sleep alone for awhile… He has obligations to you and disinterest is not an excuse.”

    that is vindictive..no matter how you defend it, and Christ NEVER would have approved such behaviour.

    I think that you will find most anywhere that many CHristians can tolerate only so much blasphemy against Christ their Savior!

  12. Brad said

    Ladies,

    I would agree with the others, and advise you to not take ANY advice from Thomas. Seriously, I don’t think he’s playing with a full deck, based on his comments on this and other threads.

    That being said, there is Biblical advice on these matters. I would seek out a good Christian counselor, even if there aren’t any problems now, to prevent any problems from occurring.

  13. Jeff42 said

    Yes, and when you seek a “Christian counselor,” look for a Nouthetic counselor who will point you to Scripture and not Psychology. You can find a counselor in your area by going to http://www.nanc.org.

  14. jAsOn said

    AMEN on the nouthetic tip!

  15. Anonymous said

    Here is another link for good “Christian Counseling” http://ccef.org/home.htm

  16. jAsOn said

    Anon,

    Regarding CCEF, my family and I have greatly enjoyed some of the books of Ed Welch, and the parenting series from Paul and Tedd Tripp (and Lou Priolo) are excellent! Great resource!

  17. Steve said

    Isn’t anyone even concerned about the fact that today’s guest host has left behind the true church and converted to Catholicism (Mary-worship). They have much different theology on sex than we do.

    Personal Transition

  18. jAsOn said

    Steve,

    You raise a very important issue; the last time Allen hosted, it resulted in a very disagreable conversation between his producer (Andy) and myself. It appears clear to me that Andy (regardless of his protestant training) has denied the Reformation doctrine of sola scriptura, which was material to the Reformation of the doctrine of justification by faith alone, on which I would love to hear Allen and Andy’s comments b/c that is the gospel, and the statement of justification at The Council of Trent was not Christian.

  19. It appears clear to me that Andy (regardless of his protestant training) has denied the Reformation doctrine of sola scriptura

    Ohh good…we’re back to that. Just out of curiosity, will we be mentioning this in the comment section of every show we do?

    today’s guest host has left behind the true church and converted to Catholicism (Mary-worship)

    So much misunderstanding. The don’t pray to Mary. They pray “with” Mary. It’s like how us in the protestant churches will ask our family and friends to pray with us or on behalf of us when we need it.

    They have much different theology on sex than we do.

    I am not sure that is really true other than the birth control issue. I haven’t read/seen anything that would imply any difference in sexual theology between Protestants and Catholics.

  20. jAsOn said

    Andy said, “Ohh good…we’re back to that. Just out of curiosity, will we be mentioning this in the comment section of every show we do?”

    I had no intention of raising it, but since the issue surfaced, I thought I would get at the heart of it because, when there is a debate btw Catholics and Protestants, sola scriptura and sola fide are THE issues.

  21. jAsOn said

    Outside of questioning the decernment of the TTL production staff, I do think this discussion would be better on the “Are Catholics Christians” thread.

  22. Brad said

    I hadn’t realized this was the case with Allen Hunt. Interesting. I went to the link provided to Allen’s website, and found this interesting statement by Allen regarding his transition:

    Although my family will not be making this transition with me, they are supportive and understand my need to be in a place I can actually be calm and worship.

    My family and I will continue to support Mount Pisgah school and church in every way including our giving. However, my role is now different. Because our life is very public, we made a decision to be as honest and open as possible.

    Personally, I believe it’s shameful that you and your family are now worshiping at separate places. Do you not think the husband and wife should be one in this area? And if you still support the Methodist church with your giving (as you state), then will you not be supporting the Catholic church in like manner? Or will you be splitting your tithe? I never advocate husband and wife worshiping in separate churches – it just doesn’t seem to fit the Biblical role of being joined together at all.

    And despite what you, or Andy, might say, there are HUGE differences between the Catholic and Protestant churches, not only in theology but in practice. I have found in life that the majority of people who say the differences are “minor” either don’t fully understand the teachings of the religions they’re comparing, or know them but don’t want to admit to them, b/c they believe each are OK. I’m not sure which is worse.

    Either way, I’m still disappointed. May just need to tune out when Mr. Hunt hosts the show…

  23. jAsOn said

    Brad,

    Was the statement clear about what family members with whom he would be parting as he made a transition to a place where he could be “calm and worship”? Are you certain it was his wife and kids?

  24. Moderator (not Stu) said

    I think Jason is right. This discussion should continue here:

    http://truthtalklive.wordpress.com/2007/08/06/are-catholics-christian/

  25. Brad said

    Jason, here’s an excerpt from a quote from Allen in the same webpage, earlier in the string:

    Anita plans to continue her ministry with children in the United Methodist Church, and I naturally will continue to support her and that ministry with my prayers and my regular volunteer service.

    Based on this and the statement I referenced earlier, the only conclusion seems to be that some are staying, and he is going. If that is not the case, I’d love for Allen to clarify what exactly he meant by those 2 statements.

    However, if my earlier interpretation was correct, I stand by my comments 100%. If it was not, and his family IS accompanying him to the Catholic church, then I retract my comment about splitting worship, but nonetheless still believe that the theological difference are too great for this to be called “minor” differences.

  26. jAsOn said

    Brad,

    Well that statement is very revealing. I agree with you, that a husband and wife who choose to serve at different churches have a serious theological errors of some sort which lead them to be content with such a malformed practice. It would be dishonoring enough to Christ if he and she we attending different protestant churches, but if the RC church where he is going adheres to official RC doctrine, then they have another gospel…and in fact, according to the reformers, an institution with a gospel other than a sole fide gospel is not a real church.

    Moderator, I must say, that if this is all true, then it was incredibly unwise of the prod staff to allow Mr. Hunt to host a show that deals with intimacy in marriage.

  27. Moderator (not Stu) said

    Jason – I understand your point. You may email Stu directly at stuart@truthtalklive.com and voice your displeasure.

  28. I was raised as a Franciscan catholic and it just bothers me the ignorance of Christians… And their Mary worship bit… Get over yourselves and actually learn something without pre-judging everything.

    My Prayer,

    God it is amazing, Oh most glorious Mother and Sometimes Father… That Christians could be so dense…

    What do you want me to do with them?

  29. John said

    Sex is like food. It’s no big deal, unless you’re not getting any[grin].

  30. That is Funny

    John.

  31. Anonymous in W-S said

    I came to this site looking for some insight from others in a sexless marriage. I’m a bit disappointed in the comments. My husband and I have attempted marital sex, but due to physical and psychological reasons, it only brought us frustration. We decided that leaving sex out of our marriage was better for us than attempting to do something that was frustrating and painful both physically and psychologically.
    I don’t feel that eliminating sex has damaged our relationship. We talk about everything; we spend “quality” time together and make the best of every day in the marriage God gave us. My husband & I are very close and I don’t see how sex would make us any closer. Maybe the issues going on in our lives that prevent a sexual relationship are why God brought us together.

  32. jAsOn said

    Anon,

    I hope no on e would tell you that there has to be sex in order for it to be a marriage, and as long as the decision to refrain is mutual, then it is OK.

    I hope that you and your husband, like every couple, have an elder/pastor to whom you can go in the had times.

    Paul says this in 1 Cor. 7: “1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

    Realizing that there are a variety of physical situations that would prevent sex in a marriage, and I hope you are able to gain Godly councel from someone regarding the psychological reasons, b/c this is probably not the forum to discuss such matters in detail, even though that discription is quite vague.

    Above all,we must honor God be submitting ourselves to His Word by the grace given in the Gospel.

  33. Maz Herman said

    JAsOn: Atlast I have found someone to give the whole scriptures for this subject!
    How many Christians are faced with a question and then give their own ideas about what or why etc.
    The scriptures are quite clear but obviously in painful situations and if both are not in agreement there should be someone who cares enough about their plight to pray for them and with them and find a solution. If you love each other and you love God He will help you. Divorce should never be the first option.

  34. John said

    What reason is there other than sex to get married? We are in covenant with people jn churches and in the body of Christ where we share our lives together, prayer for each other, and spend quality time together.Try marrying a male pipe and female pipe without them touching and interlocking, No water will flow. Ditto with electrical and computer connections. Especially ditto for marriage connections. There is a reason God created the body the way he did, and it is simply not normal to have a sexless marriage. Even if there is amputation or inability for normal intercourse, there are other ways to show intimacy and love.

    If there is pain, see a doctor (duh)! A woman doesn’t not have children because of the pain of childbirth, and I doubt his pain is anything like that. Sounds like an excuse. Men who lose interest in sex are often doing phone or cyber sex, so wake-up please. One of best signs a woman has of her man’s fidelity is him always being Ready Freddie and not too tired and lavishing her with love and attention. TH ebst sign of infidelity is a lack of interest.

  35. annoymous said

    Thank God for this site. I am living in a sexless marriage as a christian. Most of the time I live with it because I love God, but sometimes I feel so bitter internally. My husband will not discuss it, that’s probably what makes it worse for me. I am a beautiful woman with good character, my husband agrees, but he hurts me so much by not sticking to his marital vows. I can tell you, if not for the love of God and my marriage covenant; I would have been unfaithful since this problem started 9 years ago even though we love each other.

  36. samuel welsh said

    married one year and its tough,comunication is good but we go to different churches,she earns almost all the money
    and theres no sex so far , more of a chore than a joy.

  37. Deroy said

    Deroy Matthews
    Wow i just stumbled unto this sight and wow .I see that im not alone in my sexless marriage delema .My case is very sensitive as my wife continues too deal with past sexual abuse from her childhood and it effects every aspect of her life .We are a blended family and there are so many factors that cause a woman I belive too shut down .Most men as we know see things in black and white .We deal with lifes stress and usualy sex with the one you love is a way of escape from lifes day too day problems .I have learned that my wanting my wife as much as I do i think 4-6 times at least a week for a healthy couple is reasonable but too each is own .We are going too be getting councelling from our Paster next week actually and hopefully can begin too work through some of the hang ups .The crazy thing is that when we are together its the most amazing intimacy leaving me to crave more ..Twice a month isnt working for me and as a man if I didnt love her so much and new God .I would be definatley having an affair .But lets not go there !!! .All I want is too connect and I dont belive that unless for medical/mental reasons there is any excuse for a couple too not share what God CREATED for all married couples .

  38. Living with Pain said

    What a thread to happen upon. You all want a story? I’ve been married for 26 years. I was 30, she was 20. I was urban lower middle class. I was an only child, she was first-born of 5. I was saved out of RC at the age of 19 and transformed. She “grew up” in a Bible church. Her home was “traditional”. Mine was “dysfunctional. I was a “survivor” She was in many ways “pampered” (but not spoiled – well…who knows….) I had little frame of reference about husbanding – or parenting. The two years prior to our marriage I was crazy in love with another girl, but between her own dysfunctional home and my constant inner battle with our pre-marital sex (yes, we were both really Christians – it CAN happen you know!). So, I ended that relationship, moved away, then met my wife. But I had the “baggage” within me of of deep love woven with regrets and sadness).

    The first years without kids saw the emotional “dissatisfaction” happen within her as I didn’t meet her expectations and fell short in the fine art of “cherishing one’s partner” as she understood it. I did my best I thought, but somehow didn’t make the grade. Time passed. Kids occupied our time. We had sex several times a week early in the marriage. It became less and less. I sensed her “aloofness” but couldn’t put my finger on what was going on within her. Communication focused on the essentials, rarely going deep. Sex became mechanical.

    In 2002, her attraction to another man became an affair by 2004. I discovered it in 2006. At which time she asked me to leave our bedroom.

    Wanting to be God’s man….I complied, slept on the sofa for 6 months. Moved into the “guest room” eventually. Our Baptist church provided a counselor. PhD Psychology and seminary grad. Counseling was an exercise in “let’s look at the past, see why this happened, and try to rebuild because your wife’s heart has died for her husband”. In 2008 she moved out – for a year. Then, she moved back – for the kids of course. Gradually the affair concluded as the church stepped in.

    As a result of my emotional pain, I then looked for my “ex” girlfriend, found out she was divorced following an abusive, adulterous marriage partner. We re-connected on the internet. Wife discovered. Then it’s MY turn to be called on the church carpet. That chapter ended.

    I have since left that church because of their “approach” to “helping” us. Not “nouthetic” as much as psychological. She still attends that church and sees that counselor. I live in my own bedroom folks. She lives in hers, by HER choice. No sex since 2006. Not an “I love You” since 2006 (which would have been plastic by that time anyway).”I’m not there” she would say about herself. That’s five years folks. Don’t obey God and your covenant until your feelings catch up. That’s the concept evidently empowered by Biblical psychbabble disguised as Biblical Counseling. Our relationship is best described as “cordial” with an outward appearance of friendliness. Three kids 20, 19, and 14. There is no fighting. No arguing. Just a day-after-day emotionally-separated existence.

    Where does that leave me? A man with passions and desires who is barricaded out of his wife’s embrace and body. Yes, I CAN divorce her and be “biblical”. I DO struggle with desire, and a wandering eye. I lean on the Lord daily and fight the good fight. But deep down I wonder – when the kids are gone, what will be left? Am I “called” to a sexless marriage? If I throw in the towel, will that be an answer to my hunger for affirmation as a husband? Will I be perceived as a “failure”? So I travel this road, trusting in a God who is able to do mighty things. Knowing that He ALSO gives us minds to think with. So…is it NOBLER as a Christian to be an emotional “doormat” for the sake of the children? Sexless marriage. Who would’ve thought “me”. All I know is that I am NOT wired to be a eunuch and desire, as a man naturally does, sex. Yet I am denied this because her “feelings” aren’t there. Such is the pain of a sexless marriage. God grant me grace as I travel this road.

  39. anon young wife said

    im right there with you. my husband came from a very dysfunctional family and i grew up in a christian home. he is 14 years older than me and has some serious health issues. we have been married for four and 1/2 years and have not had sex in almost 2. 3 days into our honeymoon was the last time he kissed me. we have one son, adopted. we have been to many counselors and nothing seems to change. earlier this year i fell away and ended up in an affair that ended just as quickly as it began because i knew it was horribly wrong…i think i was hoping that he would leave me….still he chose to stay, but the struggle for me is greater and greater everyday…and I question why God would ask me to stay in a sexless marriage. lately i just feel as though i am getting numb.

  40. Jessie said

    I find it terribly sad that in the Baptist church’s today there is such a double standard. I have worked in and around the offices in Baptist church’s for years. I hear comments after counseling sessions like poor Mr. Jones his wife refuses to have any sexual relationship with him. Then further comments are on what a wicked wife she is to with hold such things from him etc etc. However, when a lady has this issue well she is just a useless slut who need to get a grip. I know that our pastor tossed out a women one day and refused to hear her out because her heart was broken in two by the fact that her husband couldn’t have sexual relations with her but also with held any affections such as hand holding and kissing. She felt like to loan horseman out trying to tackle the world and of course the lack of respect for her feelings and the comments made around the office after she left made me feel sick to my stomach. I do not feel like Pastor’s have any right to hand out advise in marriage and that only a card with the name and number of a professional should be handed to a couple. I find it sad that everyone in a church office would sit around and make judgement on someone else’s issue. Please note this is not just one Baptist church I have worked it but several. I find myself in the same place. I have a husband who is depressed and refuses to get any help and has no sex drive. He shows no physical love towards me in any manner. We are cohabitation partners only who are raising one child. I want to love and respect the God of my life but I feel terribly short changed in all this. I would never tell anyone how I feel or what is happening in our marriage as I would hate to be the staff discussion around the lunch table. I would love to know what is fair in right to a women in this situation. We are not to cheat, not to get self gratification from lusty pictures or pornography (that’s gross anyhow), we are to in fact say “Oh God’s grace is sufficient for me” I however do find that helps the sex drive that God created in me. The point was God created marriage to be a beautiful yet not perfect union between two people and sex was one of the prizes. I just find the situation lonely and painful.

  41. annoymous said

    Jesse I really feel for you and I feel for myself too. This is such mental, physical and spiritual torture. The Lords prayer says, ” lead us not into temptation”, these words play on my mind daily. The fact is, I love my husband with all my heart but I love and fear God much more than I do my husband and repeatedly remember the shared wedding promise that I made in the presence of God “to forsake all others till death do us part”. I have done this for 30 years

    Not sure why everyone seems to be talking about sex as in penetration; but what ever happened to all the other acts between man and wife that never end in actual penetration? Other sexual acts can leave both bodies completely fulfilled. My husband will not discuss this problem; infact, he gets nasty and tries to blame me. I’ve suffered a sexless life for 10 years.Actually, the truth is, I’m suffering!

    Sadly, I get lots of attention from the opposite sex but I’m so focused as a christian, i will not faulter. As a born again christian, i will enter the narrow gates of heaven no matter what satan presents in my life; but I NEED SEX WITH MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  42. Larry Rothstein said

    Married 35 years no sex for 21 years. Wife won’t confront issue bible says can’t divorce. Praying for rapture or die in my sleep.

  43. celiathomas@hotmail.co.uk said

    I actually agree with HRH in the respect that she should leave and not be walked on just because you are a christian does not mean you have to put up with bad behaviour.

    It is encouraging bad behaviour to condone it.
    It is called tough love. As christians we have a responsibility to behave correctly. There is such a thing as justice.

    Why should the perpetrator get away with it and the victim be punished? That is not Godly.
    There is no marriage if the vows are not kept.

    Women are not there to be disrespected. Nor should they be made to feel bad for leaving a bad situation. It says it is ok to leave if it is not ok.

    It seems to me that many people are put off christianity by these strong unloving over moralistic judgements.

  44. annoymous said

    Yes to the person who feels numb in a sexless marriage and had an affair as a result, God understands.

    May you find happiness again and may your selfish husband either come to his senses and keep his marriage vows or be honest and end it rather than ruin your life.

    In the long run you have a right to be treated fairly and there a lots of divorced and remarried christians going to church. What about forgiveness for human failings?

  45. feelstrongly said

    Women are not unequal and their needs are as important as mens. After all marriage was for the mutual not one sided comfort.

    Ok if sex is not important and u r ok with that but if one of you is not and is unhappy and the other will not do anything about it then there is no proper marriage.

    It is just a sham.

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  56. hughjazzrocks@gmail.com said

    Sexless marriage. She is not interested in sex. Seems to me that a wife with no interest in sex is equivalent to divorcing the husband from a mental and emotional point of view. I’ve built up some resentment and am ready to find a girlfriend. I can’t believe that the ‘right’ thing to do is endure this. This life is pathetic and miserable.

  57. Denny said

    The problem is that there will always be marriages where one partner gets sexually lazy. Marriage vows are more than “until death do us part” but also involve loving someone spiritually, emotionally AND physically. If a spouse, after all efforts, refuses to love you, they have broken a vow uttered in a Church and offer up nothing but abusive neglect. The aggrieved spouse does not keep the moral high ground to live like that.

    My advice to fellow Christians is never cheat but please do leave the abuse, move on and find someone who will live up to their vows. God gave you a sound mind and free will…….. use it!

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  59. o said

    It appears that most comments are from wives that have husbands that do not have sex with them. It’s the opposite here. My wife refuses to have sex with me – though I have expressed myself numeous times in so many ways. I have had sex with my wife a total of 5 times in the past year and three months, and that was about three months ago. My two and a half years of marriage have been terrible. I feel like I got a “lemon.”

    To answer the question, the Bible is clear that once you are married it is only truly absolved when one partner dies, and the only exception given for divorce is sexual unfaithfulness – even though God will still want you to forgive the unfaithful spouse and remain married. Marriage represents Gods covenant to his people though they are sometimes called adulterers, harlots, or prostitutes (Read the entirety of Hosea).

    It is actually a command given through the Apostle Paul, that husbands and wives belong to each other, and that they are to only deny having sexual intimacy with one another when agreed for times of fasting and praying. The reason is that they are not tempted to sexual imorality (this is a general saying used for any perversion of sex – examples pornography or adultery). Also, the sexual act is a considered a renewal final the marriage covenant (sexual togethernes is the final step before a relationship is considered a marriage – “consumation.” A good example is the story of Jacob in Genesis).

    Both Jesus and the Apostle Paul warned their immediate (and future) listeners that being married is extremely difficult. There haven’t been enough sermons on those teachings.

    Being in a sexless marriage is a form of suffering. It is a form of death – imediately emotional and spiritual. It is completely unfair and it cannot be burdened alone. Every day and every minute this burden has to be brought before our great High Priest, Jesus Christ. Only God is able to help you “take up your cross daily” and “resist temptation…when it comes.” The only thing I do is pray to the God that listens to me (since my wife doesn’t), and hope that one day He will make a change in her. Also, whatever form of suffering we endure here on earth only makes us long more for the hope of a place with no more sorrow, and crying, and pain, and death.

  60. Larry Rothstein said

    Married 35 years no sex in 21 years. Wife won’t confront. Praying to die in my sleep. Bible says I can’t divorce. Reverting back to porno and masturbation

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  63. Colleen said

    Thomas is not so far off base. I am in a marriage like this. And have agonized over it. He does not have sex with me, he does ot sleep in the same room or bed with me, and he spends all his time in the basement with smoking with his comfy chair and big screen tv. Thomas suggested leaving to wake him up. I think that makes a lot of sense.

  64. Colleen said

    And younger men have told me I am attractive so its not cause I have let myself go.

  65. MrsAnonymous said

    I have been married for 14 years and have been in a sexless marriage for at least 8.
    When it began me and my husband was separated and he withheld sex from me. ( I stayed with my husband because I loved him and wanted to reconcile our marriage)
    After a few years of being rejected I began to date and meet men online. Just to fulfill the love that I desired from my husband.
    I ended up meeting someone who I still keep in contact with by phone and internet. But never have actually met in person. But I have feeling for this man none the less because I feel this man who I have only met on line has given me more attention than my own husband,
    This past summer my husband realized what he had done and wanted to reconcile again, but now I no longer desire him for sexual intimacy. I gave up on it honestly.
    Now I am feeling that God want me to reconcile my marriage to my husband.
    But i no longer desire to even be with my husband sexual..I desire this man I met almost 3 years ago online.

    I do not think it is fair to my husband, but I also feel he pushed me to this final point of not desiring him at all from with holding sex with me for so long.

    I am aware I am in Adultery by wanting another man sexually other than my husband…I just dont know how I can desire my husband again without cringing.

  66. Danny A. said

    I have been married for 14 years me and my wife have two wonderful sons together, my wife has pain when we have sex it hurts her bad sometimes and sometimes not as much as others. We have been living in a sexless marriage for almost 12 years now we still have sex but it may be a month 2 months 4 or 5 we have even gone as much as 11 months with no sex! It is very hard on me I have a very strong sex drive and this has caused lots of grief and pain in our marriage over sex I want it she doesn’t we pray about it all the time. I do understand that she is in pain but as a man it makes me feel that she dose not think of me in that way anymore that she has found it in other places, that I can not make her happy in that area I have found myself more at risk to temptation we have even been separated for a short time it has been a huge bump in the road for me and our marriage! I use to master-bate before I became a christian but that is a sin I do not know how to take my sex drive away I love my wife with all my heart and all I am she is my soul mate I would lay my life down for her, I just do not know how we can make it another 14 years without that part of our marriage. I find myself looking at other women sometimes but I always stop myself and think of my beautiful wife I want to be with her and only her she still turns me on that way and always will I just do not know how I can take care of sex drive no sex no masturbation it is not easy!

  67. Rob said

    Married 27 years. Have had sex twice in the last 5 years and not at all in the last 3. I’ll never have it again with her. My wife gets bladder infections and vaginal thrush. Antibiotics for the bladder makes the thrush worse. Sex irritates the plumbing down there and makes it all bad again. The net result is that sex is painful. It started the night of our honeymoon. I’ve had a strong sex drive all my life, waited til I was married aged 30 to get it, but never had it more than 3 times a month. She really is my soul mate but I agree with all of you who say this is hard. Have spent the last year taking stock, reading web sites, trying to figure out what to do. I’ve abandoned the notion that “be good, do what God wants, and you’ll be rewarded” – not in this area, anyway. Christian or not, this is humanly hard to take. OK I’m lucky in one way. We get on. We get intimate. We still fancy eachother in spite of gaining a bit of wait now that we are in our 50’s. We just can’t go all the way. I really struggled as a christian teenager to cope with strong sexual feelings (the normal sexual thoughts every 40 seconds) and the idea of being holy / “lust after a women is adultery” contradictions. Marriage was going to fix that dilema. I always imagined I’d get sex daily once married and at least twice a week once the novelty wore off. Bollocks. I just ended up with a whole lot of deferred hope bottled up inside while I patiently waited for her pain to stop. And don’t give me that “get medical help and it will be solved” line: we have tried every sort of medical specialist, herbal supplement and prayer for miracles there is. It just isn’t going to happen. So what do I do? Divorce? Have an affair? Be grateful for what I’ve got and accept that this is my “for better or for worse” cross to bear? I’m hunan and still horny at times. Do I have a right to ‘get it’? I imagine an enscription on my grave stone: “Died dissatisfied”. Its easy to feel angry at God, meeting him when dead and Him saying “I gave you a hard test but you passed – well done” to which I’d reply “You cruel twisted monster, giving me this sex drive then linking me up with someone who can’t deliver and not allowing me any outs – you call that well done? I call that a waste of a life!” – well that’s how I feel. And don’t worry about me calling God names – He is big enough to handle my angry childish outburst. I’m no Job. Still wondering what to do next…

  68. Anonymous said

    Well folks, I’ve read much about this matter. Recently as I’ve read some devotionals and after much praying I’ve discovered that the sexless marriage I’m in is God’s way of preparing me to become the person He wants me to be. Suffering is a big part of changing me . . . that is from God’s point of view. I’ve had a lot anger at people and
    is not a good thing. My wife is in pain much of the time and I do feel neglected. I’ve become very bitter about life . . . I see couples together and I often wish that things were better for me and my wife.
    I just can’t seem to have the want-too . . . have sex when she is in pain most all the time. She also has breathing problems and she sleeps in a chair and I’m left alone. I can’t blame her for anything anymore. I just keep hoping that God hears my prayers. All this has helped me know God much deeper than ever before.
    All I can do is pray that God will help you too! ” All things work together for good to those how love God and are called according to His purpose.”

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